Sunday, April 27, 2014

What's really hard? (Not softened).

1. Young people, as in, people with outer displays of optimism and enthusiasm about the here and now, or even the future.  Those guys partying on the plane home from Portland. Kids, especially when they complain about wanting anything.

2. Crowded places.  Anywhere that people are having multiple or loud conversations at once. Includes: restaurants, bars, cocktail parties, my former workplace, public transportation, major thruways driven around Chicagoland, grocery stores, events or happenings of any sort.

3.  Places of aspirations.  Hearing about credentials, jobs, careers, school success stories, Ivy League Anything, money made, money spent, money earned, saved, etc…

4. Rock Star Old People.  He/she is how old?  Did how many amazing things in his/her lifetime? Had how many gazillion grand, great grandchildren?  Etc…

5.  Not being the master of my domain.  I'm indulging, for now, In the joy of setting my own time clock.  I quit my job, quit my swim team, quit my cycling group and even the farm share.  Really thinking about what needs to happen and trying to listen to my own biorhythms.

6. Kids, as in, why are kids so incredibly indulged today? What are we thinking? They seem like monsters of our own creation.

7. Finally, for the first time ever, not having the assurance, that if it gets real bad, I can pack up my little suitcase, throw it all in the car, and go home. Big girl time.

8. Watching the world, swirl and turn and propel forward with or without my engagement.

9. Thinking of all the Sundays I forgot to call home.

10. Experiencing moments of flow and happiness, only to be followed by a feeling of sinking angst as I move further away from the drama of loss and to the truly losing ground of forgetting.


  1. Everything can be hard with grief. Do what makes you happy, even if it doesn't make you happy right now. At some point, doing something you love will have a glimmer of softness. Those glimmers will come and go, but they will become more frequent, and more welcoming, over time.

  2. you have such a gift for words! Thanks for sharing that gift!

  3. Apropos of item (5), it's a hard-learned truth of life that there aren't many things that we get to truly control. I'm glad to see that you are picking and choosing what feeds you.

    As for (9) and (10), I hope that you can forgive yourself for being less-than-perfect, because those who love you will do so because of who you are, not who you might be, had you made those phone calls, and were you able to remember everything. I'm convinced that it's just the human condition.